Archive for the 'Humor' Category

05
Feb
20

OH THE (SUPER) IRONY

Christopher Reeve did his most famous photo shoot in front of the NYC skyline. Here’s the call Helen Slater got:

SLATER: Where are we doing our big publicity shoot tomorrow?

HER AGENT: In the Popeye’s parking lot.

SLATER: That’s where we’re meeting?

AGENT: No that’s where the shoot is.

SLATER: Is there an awesome skyline visible from there? Something emotional and stirring?

AGENT: There’s a Popeye’s.

SLATER: Yes I know but what’s at that location that makes it the perfect place for a Supergirl photo shoot?

AGENT: Popeye’s.

SLATER: You mean we’re actually taking A-list publicity photos that will be printed in every newspaper and magazine across the country in front of a Popeye’s?

AGENT: Yes.

SLATER: But these images will last forever! Chris took his pictures in front of the Metropolis skyline. They are iconic!

AGENT: If you look closely at the skyline I think you can see a Popeye’s.

SLATER: But what does it *say*? Superman standing in front of the city he has sworn to protect has emotional resonance. It’s powerful. What does Supergirl standing in front of Popeye’s mean? What’s the message? What am I protecting?

AGENT: Have you had their chicken sandwich?

SLATER: No.

AGENT: Trust me, one day this will all make sense.

01
Oct
17

MOJO’S TOUR DE BBQ: THE PROPER PIG

properpig01

Every once in a great while you have a meal that transcends existence; a plate of food that becomes a religious experience and suddenly life has meaning.

Today, at lunch in Ohio, I found god in some beef brisket.

Just outside Cleveland resides a modest, mid-sized vegetarian restaurant called “Cleveland Vegan.”  I’ve never eaten there and certainly never met the owner, yet I can imagine (with great accuracy, I presume) his thoughts and feelings when, a few doors down, opened a new, modest, mid-sized restaurant.

But this wasn’t just close-quarters competition for local dining dollars – this was practically a declaration of war on their very souls; a restaurant that would fly in the face of vegan values and not just serve meat, but only meat.

It was a BBQ restaurant called “The Proper Pig” and it lead me to wonder – if vegansim is considered to be a pure diet for the enlightened, where does that leave meat?  Is it devil food for the unholy?  If that’s the case then forgive me father, for I have sinned and visited the pit of hell!

And it’s a delicious BBQ pit.

My usual, go-to satanic meal is ribs and pulled pork, but I noticed the menu steered heavily towards smoked meats like brisket, sausage and even turkey.  I generally ignore beef BBQ, but then I watched the chef pull a new hunk of brisket out of the smoker and perform a miracle:  he reached in and removed the center bone with two fingers.  And I don’t mean his thumb and forefinger (which gives you plenty of grabbing power) no, it was between his index and middle finger and was removed more easily than panties from a prom queen.

So I got the brisket and figured I’d try the smoked turkey for something new.

properpig03

Can I say “holy smokes!” without being too ironic?  This wasn’t beef, it was candy.  Protein should not taste so decadent. The brisket was easily cut with a plastic fork and tasted like… there really is nothing in my realm of culinary experience to compare it to. It was simply unbelievable. It was like sweet, salty, spicy beef from a magic cow. A magic baby cow. The owner revealed it’s slow cooked for sixteen hours and has a special, secret dry rub.  My guess is it’s rubbed up against Scarlett Johansson.

Now let’s talk turkey.

I’ve never had smoked turkey before and it’s a pretty rare item in the BBQ underworld.  However, after the revelation of Proper Pig brisket, my faith was unshakable.  As soon as the fork made contact with the bird, the meat simply broke apart; it was so supple and moist the fork simply couldn’t grab hold!  With little choice,  I was forced to eat like a heathen and use my hands.  But was it good?

I may never make it to heaven, but now I know what Thanksgiving with God must taste like.  It was as if the turkey had grown up in New Orleans, playing smooth jazz and reciting poetry before volunteering itself for cooking because it knew it would taste so damn good.

Rounding out the perfect meal was their home made banana pudding with crushed vanilla wafers.  Sin in a cup, basically.  I took a pound of brisket back to the hotel to save for later, only to discover that evening that there was no microwave on site!  But it didn’t matter.  Slice by slice, I devoured my decadent treat, savoring each bite like it was the last piece of chocolate on earth.

I can’t recall the last time I went to church but, after a visit to the Proper Pig, I felt as if not just my stomach, but my soul had been nourished.  It is indeed holy ground.

If you’re within a tank of gas of Lakewood, Ohio, just go.

properpig02

properpig04

03
Dec
10

ok ok yes i know there’s been less action around here than at an amish prom but i just had an idea for a photoshop contest that nearly made me blast egg nog out of my nose…

I’m calling on my loyal readers who still keep the faith (both of you) to sharpen your stylus and get cracking on this one:

TRONALD MCDONALD

I’m way too lazy to do it myself, but i’d love to see this visualized!  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that someone reading this also thinks the concept is too funny to pass up.  And speaking of posts (and Tron), i’ve got one in mind and it will be online by Monday – promise.

Oh wait, assuming I get more than one entry I need a prize!  Let’s see… ok, the winner gets to play DarthMojo editor and tell ME what the subject of my next post will be.  Want to see more B5?  A brand new Voyager image?  Some behind the scenes BSG stuff?  You win, you choose!

Thanks for staying with us…

23
Nov
09

you know you’re *really* a nerd when…

This is what happens when you cross a nerd with too much time on his hands with a warped sense of humor (pun intended).  The ever-talented (and ever-warped) Daren Dochterman decided that my urinal puck and Nintendo remote from recent posts were begging to make the leap from pseudo Star Trek wannabe to iron-clad canon.  So, ladies and gentleman, we present to you the USS WiiWee.  Look for the resin kit in first quarter 2010.

20
Nov
09

you know you’re a nerd when…

 

… the USS Enterprise just keeps showing up no matter where you look.  First it’s in a urinal, now it’s a fishing rod controller for the Nintendo Wii.  What’s next?  The Jefferies Tube in a salami?  A Phaser in a beard trimmer?  Is it us or is the whole world actually trying to look like Star Trek?    [special thanks to reader BobaTrek for sending this one in.  Send yours to DarthMojo4u at AOL].  At the risk of straying off topic for a moment, I just ran across this Photoshop image of Obama as a Vulcan.  Am I the last guy on Earth to see this? 

Continue reading ‘you know you’re a nerd when…’

18
Nov
09

and the winner is (really this time)…

What a fascinating trip this has been!  Who would have ever guessed I’d be able to milk two weeks worth of posts from a silly picture of a bad Halloween costume?  Who else but sci-fi fans could turn a quick chuckle into a raging ethical debate?  I want to thank everyone who not only took part in the contest, but to those of you who shared it with friends, egged us on in the comments and appreciated the value of the unexpected twist.  In the coming days my cohorts and I will be pontificating on lessons learned and insights gained as a result of all this tom-foolery, but for now we need to put on our tux, turn on the lights and hand out some trophies…

Continue reading ‘and the winner is (really this time)…’

12
Nov
09

contest cheaters exposed!

The-Cheaters-eyes

One of the cool things about WordPress is they provide you with all kinds of useful data about your blog; not only do you get an accurate count of how many people are visiting and what they’re reading, but it also lets you know where they are coming from.  With one click, I can see which sites are linking to me and how many people visited Darth Mojo as a result of those links.  Naturally, if I see an unfamiliar site suddenly pointing hundreds of people my way, I click over to them to see what all the fuss is about (usually it’s someone telling his or her readers to check out a post).  Today I noticed a few dozen people had been referred to my blog from a discussion group I’d never heard of, so I clicked the link to investigate.  And that’s when I discovered the cheaters.

Continue reading ‘contest cheaters exposed!’

10
Nov
09

vote: you choose the winner of “XXL Kirk” Photoshop contest! (updated)

twoKirks

Citizens of the Federation, it’s time to do your civic duty and vote for your favorite image in our “XXL Captain Kirk” Photoshop contest (review the last two posts if you’re in need of a briefing).  Staying true to the spirit of Star Trek, our hailing frequencies certainly reached out to the furthest star, as entries have come in from across the globe to create a truly international contest (just the way Gene would have liked it).   You’ll find the ballot after the jump, where we’ll show you the “final five” images and tell you a little bit about the evil geniuses behind them…

11/12 update: While it seems like “Khaaaaan!!” is the front runner, it’s still important for everyone to vote – as of now, the race for second place is VERY close, so, to keep things interesting, I will also offer a special prize (to be announced) for the second place contestant.  The runner-up spot is totally up for grabs at this point, so I suggest those of you in the running get out there and do some campaigning!

Continue reading ‘vote: you choose the winner of “XXL Kirk” Photoshop contest! (updated)’

03
Nov
09

photoshop “xxl kirk costume” contest (final entries are in!)

drew-BigKirk

How would the world be different if the guy from our favorite Halloween costume  (as discussed in the previous post) had actually been the one to land the classic role of James T. Kirk?  What if there was no Shatner?  Help the world visualize this with your mad Photoshop skills and send your best effort to DarthMojo4U at AOL (Click here for a clean image of “big Kirk” to help get you started).  The winner will receive the ultimate prize – the thrill of victory!  I can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with.  Spread the word!  And remember to check back with this post often – I’ll keep updating as new images are submitted!

Continue reading ‘photoshop “xxl kirk costume” contest (final entries are in!)’

02
Nov
09

halloween star trek mystery

Kirk_costume

Friday I was assembling a few odds and ends for my last minute costume when I encountered the above abomination at the Halloween store. Generally speaking, they choose a model for the packaging that at least bears some vague physical similarity to the person or character they’re trying to market – but in this case, WTF?!  Obviously they weren’t even trying to go for a Chris Pine lookalike, and he’s fatter than Shatner ever was, so, all I can come up with is they wanted a model that made men say “hell, I’d be a better looking Captain Kirk than this guy!”  Unless the costume is supposed to be bloated Kirk after McCoy injected him with the comedy virus. What was my costume, you ask?

Continue reading ‘halloween star trek mystery’

29
Oct
09

you know you’re a nerd when…

USS_Urinal

… you stare at a urinal puck and you see the primary hull of the USS Enterprise.

 

18
Oct
09

you know you’re a nerd when…

sith

… you’re shopping at Macy’s and out of the corner of your eye you see a sign that you swear says “sith.”  [have you got a You Know You’re A Nerd moment you’d like to share?  Send it in to DarthMojo4U at aol and we’ll publish our faves]

01
Oct
09

i broke my lightsaber (with video)

cryingLuke

It was bound to happen eventually.  Like any self-respecting Star Wars fan, I have one of the greatest toys every made – the Master Replicas Lightsaber.  As anyone who has played with one will tell you, the first time you get ahold of one of these and activate it you get a rush that is possibly the greatest toy experience of your life.   What we wouldn’t have given as kids to have one of those!   Ok, it may have taken 30 years but hey, at least we have ’em now.  And I don’t care how old you are, swinging one of those things around puts such a grin on your face it’s easily the second best form of stress relief in the known universe.  That is, it’s all fun & games until what happened last night happens to you… 

Continue reading ‘i broke my lightsaber (with video)’

15
Sep
09

The sweet taste of spam

CreamOfSpam

One of my email accounts has a very untrustworthy spam filter so I sift through it by hand, generally deleting plate-fulls of the stuff at a time.  However, over the last month or so, I’ve noticed some pretty hysterical headlines for “male enhancement” products and have been saving my spam!  I don’t know if they’re trying to be funny or if it’s a result of poor translation from whatever third world country is serving this stuff up, but either way I thought I’d share some of the more amusing moments with you.  I’ve even hunted down graphics that seem to “fit the mood…”

Continue reading ‘The sweet taste of spam’

06
Aug
09

shafted by shatner

meanshat

I’m not sure how public this story has gotten, but mere hours after I posted images of William Shatner in 3D, the following events unfolded (cooincidence?).  I thought I’d turn the mike over to my good friend Howard Cronson, who is at the center of the action…

It’s Thursday, August 6, and I’m sitting at home watching the Red Sox play the Yankees. As a devout Boston Red Sox fan living near Boston, during a game this is the only spot you’ll find me in.   In fact, it would take an Act Of God to pull me away from a Sox game.

Well, an Act Of God or William Shatner, that is.  So why does he mock me so?

Continue reading ‘shafted by shatner’

08
Jun
09

how to survive a cylon uprising

uprising_cover_BSG

There’s been a lot of talk about Battlestar Galactica  and its shiny metal co-stars of late, and it’s all coming to a head on Friday (June 12) when the 92nd street Y in Manhattan hosts a panel entitled  Battlestar Galactica: Cyborgs on the Horizon.   The discussion will feature several cast members from BSG as well as real live roboticists all trying to answer the question “is the robot uprising that will spell doom for us all inevitable?”   Galactica Sitrep has two interviews with experts in the field who naively believe that a robot rebellion is about as likely as a reboot of Galactica 1980.   While it’s all fine and dandy to play Mr. Optimist and dismiss the repeated warnings of our favorite movies and TV shows, one question begs to be asked – what do we do if they’re wrong?   Luckily for all of us, I’ve got the answer.

Continue reading ‘how to survive a cylon uprising’

28
Apr
09

note to military: we have CGI now

 

hudson-480

Yesterday morning, New York and New Jersey residents had the felgercarb scared out of them when F16 fighter jets and a 747 painted up like Air Force One buzzed lower Manhattan and New Jersey’s Goldman Sachs Tower (the state’s tallest building).  The planes flew at low altitude, rattling windows, stopping traffic and panicking thousands who spontaneously began evacuating their homes, offices and bowels.   Was it another terrorist attack?  No, thank god.  A plane in distress?  Nope.  A training exercise intended to safeguard American soil?  Wrong again!  The reason for the flyover that struck fear into the heart of a city still on edge was a photo op.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, the armed forces sailed these planes dangerously close to occupied buildings – without issuing an advance warning – so they could snap a couple of cool publicity pictures.  Not only was this stunt thoughtless and cruel, it was totally unnecessary – haven’t the US government heard of CGI yet? Continue reading ‘note to military: we have CGI now’




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