Archive for the 'Humor' Category

01
Oct
17

MOJO’S TOUR DE BBQ: THE PROPER PIG

properpig01

Every once in a great while you have a meal that transcends existence; a plate of food that becomes a religious experience and suddenly life has meaning.

Today, at lunch in Ohio, I found god in some beef brisket.

Just outside Cleveland resides a modest, mid-sized vegetarian restaurant called “Cleveland Vegan.”  I’ve never eaten there and certainly never met the owner, yet I can imagine (with great accuracy, I presume) his thoughts and feelings when, a few doors down, opened a new, modest, mid-sized restaurant.

But this wasn’t just close-quarters competition for local dining dollars – this was practically a declaration of war on their very souls; a restaurant that would fly in the face of vegan values and not just serve meat, but only meat.

It was a BBQ restaurant called “The Proper Pig” and it lead me to wonder – if vegansim is considered to be a pure diet for the enlightened, where does that leave meat?  Is it devil food for the unholy?  If that’s the case then forgive me father, for I have sinned and visited the pit of hell!

And it’s a delicious BBQ pit.

My usual, go-to satanic meal is ribs and pulled pork, but I noticed the menu steered heavily towards smoked meats like brisket, sausage and even turkey.  I generally ignore beef BBQ, but then I watched the chef pull a new hunk of brisket out of the smoker and perform a miracle:  he reached in and removed the center bone with two fingers.  And I don’t mean his thumb and forefinger (which gives you plenty of grabbing power) no, it was between his index and middle finger and was removed more easily than panties from a prom queen.

So I got the brisket and figured I’d try the smoked turkey for something new.

properpig03

Can I say “holy smokes!” without being too ironic?  This wasn’t beef, it was candy.  Protein should not taste so decadent. The brisket was easily cut with a plastic fork and tasted like… there really is nothing in my realm of culinary experience to compare it to. It was simply unbelievable. It was like sweet, salty, spicy beef from a magic cow. A magic baby cow. The owner revealed it’s slow cooked for sixteen hours and has a special, secret dry rub.  My guess is it’s rubbed up against Scarlett Johansson.

Now let’s talk turkey.

I’ve never had smoked turkey before and it’s a pretty rare item in the BBQ underworld.  However, after the revelation of Proper Pig brisket, my faith was unshakable.  As soon as the fork made contact with the bird, the meat simply broke apart; it was so supple and moist the fork simply couldn’t grab hold!  With little choice,  I was forced to eat like a heathen and use my hands.  But was it good?

I may never make it to heaven, but now I know what Thanksgiving with God must taste like.  It was as if the turkey had grown up in New Orleans, playing smooth jazz and reciting poetry before volunteering itself for cooking because it knew it would taste so damn good.

Rounding out the perfect meal was their home made banana pudding with crushed vanilla wafers.  Sin in a cup, basically.  I took a pound of brisket back to the hotel to save for later, only to discover that evening that there was no microwave on site!  But it didn’t matter.  Slice by slice, I devoured my decadent treat, savoring each bite like it was the last piece of chocolate on earth.

I can’t recall the last time I went to church but, after a visit to the Proper Pig, I felt as if not just my stomach, but my soul had been nourished.  It is indeed holy ground.

If you’re within a tank of gas of Lakewood, Ohio, just go.

properpig02

properpig04

Advertisements
03
Dec
10

ok ok yes i know there’s been less action around here than at an amish prom but i just had an idea for a photoshop contest that nearly made me blast egg nog out of my nose…

I’m calling on my loyal readers who still keep the faith (both of you) to sharpen your stylus and get cracking on this one:

TRONALD MCDONALD

I’m way too lazy to do it myself, but i’d love to see this visualized!  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that someone reading this also thinks the concept is too funny to pass up.  And speaking of posts (and Tron), i’ve got one in mind and it will be online by Monday – promise.

Oh wait, assuming I get more than one entry I need a prize!  Let’s see… ok, the winner gets to play DarthMojo editor and tell ME what the subject of my next post will be.  Want to see more B5?  A brand new Voyager image?  Some behind the scenes BSG stuff?  You win, you choose!

Thanks for staying with us…

23
Nov
09

you know you’re *really* a nerd when…

This is what happens when you cross a nerd with too much time on his hands with a warped sense of humor (pun intended).  The ever-talented (and ever-warped) Daren Dochterman decided that my urinal puck and Nintendo remote from recent posts were begging to make the leap from pseudo Star Trek wannabe to iron-clad canon.  So, ladies and gentleman, we present to you the USS WiiWee.  Look for the resin kit in first quarter 2010.

20
Nov
09

you know you’re a nerd when…

 

… the USS Enterprise just keeps showing up no matter where you look.  First it’s in a urinal, now it’s a fishing rod controller for the Nintendo Wii.  What’s next?  The Jefferies Tube in a salami?  A Phaser in a beard trimmer?  Is it us or is the whole world actually trying to look like Star Trek?    [special thanks to reader BobaTrek for sending this one in.  Send yours to DarthMojo4u at AOL].  At the risk of straying off topic for a moment, I just ran across this Photoshop image of Obama as a Vulcan.  Am I the last guy on Earth to see this? 

Continue reading ‘you know you’re a nerd when…’

18
Nov
09

and the winner is (really this time)…

What a fascinating trip this has been!  Who would have ever guessed I’d be able to milk two weeks worth of posts from a silly picture of a bad Halloween costume?  Who else but sci-fi fans could turn a quick chuckle into a raging ethical debate?  I want to thank everyone who not only took part in the contest, but to those of you who shared it with friends, egged us on in the comments and appreciated the value of the unexpected twist.  In the coming days my cohorts and I will be pontificating on lessons learned and insights gained as a result of all this tom-foolery, but for now we need to put on our tux, turn on the lights and hand out some trophies…

Continue reading ‘and the winner is (really this time)…’

12
Nov
09

contest cheaters exposed!

The-Cheaters-eyes

One of the cool things about WordPress is they provide you with all kinds of useful data about your blog; not only do you get an accurate count of how many people are visiting and what they’re reading, but it also lets you know where they are coming from.  With one click, I can see which sites are linking to me and how many people visited Darth Mojo as a result of those links.  Naturally, if I see an unfamiliar site suddenly pointing hundreds of people my way, I click over to them to see what all the fuss is about (usually it’s someone telling his or her readers to check out a post).  Today I noticed a few dozen people had been referred to my blog from a discussion group I’d never heard of, so I clicked the link to investigate.  And that’s when I discovered the cheaters.

Continue reading ‘contest cheaters exposed!’

10
Nov
09

vote: you choose the winner of “XXL Kirk” Photoshop contest! (updated)

twoKirks

Citizens of the Federation, it’s time to do your civic duty and vote for your favorite image in our “XXL Captain Kirk” Photoshop contest (review the last two posts if you’re in need of a briefing).  Staying true to the spirit of Star Trek, our hailing frequencies certainly reached out to the furthest star, as entries have come in from across the globe to create a truly international contest (just the way Gene would have liked it).   You’ll find the ballot after the jump, where we’ll show you the “final five” images and tell you a little bit about the evil geniuses behind them…

11/12 update: While it seems like “Khaaaaan!!” is the front runner, it’s still important for everyone to vote – as of now, the race for second place is VERY close, so, to keep things interesting, I will also offer a special prize (to be announced) for the second place contestant.  The runner-up spot is totally up for grabs at this point, so I suggest those of you in the running get out there and do some campaigning!

Continue reading ‘vote: you choose the winner of “XXL Kirk” Photoshop contest! (updated)’




May 2019
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
Advertisements