So for the last week, I’ve been stuck at home with a seriously twisted back and the worst food poisoning my my life. What happened to my back? Nothing special, every couple of years I just reach for the salt the wrong way an WHAMMO, say hello to a few weeks of poppin’ fresh pain. Then, while recuperating, for lack of wanting to leave the house, I dug a little too deeply into the fridge and ate something that, given a more may days of gestation, probably would have eaten me. Combine these two goodies and you get an (in)action-packed vacation!
Try to think of it like spending a week on a cruise ship where you’re locked in your cabin, all they give you to eat is oatmeal and all you can do comfortably is lay on the couch and watch movies. Even sitting in front of the computer for more than half an hour makes my lumbar feel like a couple of Taun-Tauns had a tap-dancing party on it, so endless web surfing doesn’t even have the lustre it ordinarily might.
Still, the occasional escape into cyberspace is one of the few things keeping me sane this past week, so it was with quite a wondrous thrill that I discovered a few short hours ago that I had contracted a virus!
IT’S ALL MEL’S FAULT
See, last night at about 3am I start watching “Apocalypto” and realized my copy had NO SUBTITLES (I was watching a downloaded version of the movie).* I mean, the movie is in a language no one on earth even speaks anymore, so how anyone uploading this could neglect to put subs on it is beyond me.
Anyway, I heard you can download and plug in subtitle files, so, given the “must-see-it-now” mood I was in, I made the mistake of going to some shady “subtitles-R-Us” site that came up in a Yahoo search instead of hunting down a reputable fan subtitling site like I should have.
After I unzipped the files, I was struck with a bad feeling that I might have just unlocked something evil. Nothing obvious happened, but it was just one of those sites that makes you feel dirty from simply visiting it (and not dirty in a good, tingly way.)
Anyway, tonight (because I slept all day) I discovered my ‘puter was in a world of hurt. All search engines results were redirected to farm sites, and I basically could not launch search results. Any attempt to even run my trusty Spybot failed and attempts to even type in the URLs of known spyware busting and anti-virus sites just gave me “site does not exist” pages. Cleverly attempting to get to those pages from links on sites like Tom’s Hardware wouldn’t even work! I was finally able to download a version of AdAware, but this nasty bug would not let it (or any other software) access the web to update itself.
Clever bloke that I am, I thought rebooting is safe mode would let me get around it, but to no avail. This was a nasty fucker.
I was able to type a few descriptive words about the virus into Google and could see search results with the solution, but clicking the links would just redirect me to the virus sites!
So it was with much dismay that I gave up and called my friend Q.
HE’S THE MAN
Aside from being the most talented CG artist I know (he does all the amazing fly-through-the-insides-of-stuff on CSI), Q is also a brilliant PC nerd. As such, everyone and their brother always calls him the minute their computer even just humms a little off-key (I’m sure I see a few DarthMojo readers out there nodding their heads in complete understanding).
As result of this unwanted fame, over the last few years, Q’s response to such requests have generally been “fix yer own shit, loser.” So, it was with great trepidation that I even considered picking up the phone to ask for help. But when you’re psychologically one step away from hunting down and choking the Quaker Oats guy, you allow yourself to be selfish.
After I managed to convince Q that a working computer was the only thing preventing me from Viper-launching over the edge, he was kind enough to dust off his “I swore I would never do this again” tech-support hat, find the solution and email me the tools I needed to resolve it.
All is now well and fully inoculated in Mojoworld. Thank you, Q, for helping me avoid a descent into further darkness where only the flames of hell would have provided a ray of hope.
And, by the way, the subtitles didn’t work.
* Yes, I admit, I illegally downloaded and attempted to watch a movie (attempted being the key word, here). I couldn’t leave the house and I think we can all agree that what happened as a result is fair and suitable punishment.
COMING SOON: More posts. I swear.