The Wachowski brothers (supposedly pictured above) are infamously reclusive; while their summer Blockbuster Speed Racer is planted firmly on everyone’s radar, these guys have remained MIA. For their entire careers, they’ve avoided the spotlight by refusing to do interviews or publicity tours and are rarely even photographed. All this leads me to wonder: are the guys you see in the above picture actually the Wachowski brothers?
They look like a couple of high school dropouts who could barely hold down a job at a Vancouver Burger King! I simply refuse to believe that these are the guys who created, wrote and directed The Matrix. More likely, the men you see in this photograph are the guys the Wachowskis have hired to portray them in public.
After all, if you were a reclusive, paranoid genius, wouldn’t you rather hire someone to be your public image and throw off the scent? This way you’d be free to go about your daily life, never being recognized, hounded for autographs or have excrement thrown at you over Matrix: Reloaded and Revolutions.
Therefore, the ultimate question is: who are the real Wachowskis?
With a little elbow grease you can find anyone online, so I rolled up my sleeves and did a search for people named “Wachowski.” I saved files on all of them and, with the help of a team of scientists, psychologists and entertainment lawyers, I paired them up into the most likely group of candidates, complete with “extrapolated” bios:
FRED & BARBARA WACHOWSKI: She’s an elementary school teacher who vowed she would beat JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series and create her own fantasy world. Based on her husband’s tireless work in front of the computer as an IRS agent, she transformed him into a “super agent” who could reduce deadbeat taxpayers into numbers and transmit them over phone lines directly into a government bank account. Mr. Wachowski clearly served as the role model for the notorious Agent Smith.
MIECZYSłAW & ANNETTE WACHOWSKI: He holds down a high-ranking government position in an eastern European country and met his bride-to-be in an AOL chat room. It was while flying one night to meet him that she gazed over the city from the air and noticed it looked exactly like an MSI X48 Platinum motherboard. One thing led to another and before they knew it, the script for the first Matrix film had practically written itself.
EUGENE & LISA WACHOWSKI: She’s a Hollywood stuntwoman with a penchant for playing Klingons and he’s an ex-Olympic discus thrower who holds the world record for Discs of Tron. When you consider his love of video games, her leather wardrobe and both their abilites to kick serious ass, can you really believe anyone else created The Matrix?
SUSAN & NINA WACHOWSKI: Susan was well known in sci-fi convention circles for her prolific fan fiction and Gummy Bear paintings. Her most popular series of stories focused on the ability to transform oneself into a slender, karate-chopping minx as long as you were online. Can you say Matrix? Keanu Reeves was chosen as the lead in the film for bearing an uncanny resemblance to her pet cat, Nina.
My guess is that while one of the real Wachowski pairings you see here is actually responsible for creating the Matrix, after the first film was such a success they decided to just spend their money and let the two dweebs up above make the sequels.
Yeah, that must be what happened.